waiting

First, if you're reading this, you've been duped. I haven't forgotten the skinny jeans. As in, I don't think I've ever worn anything that anyone would consider skinny jeans. You see, I have weighed 170 pounds my whole life. Granted, I probably didn't come out of my mom like that, but since around the 7th grade, I have gained a little, lost a little, but ended up 170 plus or minus ten...or maybe 15 (in the plus, but not so much the minus category) And I have done a lot of diets, and bad behaviors, to try to fix the problem. I've signed up for personal trainers, done Jenny Craig, made meal plans, eaten raw, run a half marathon, taken probiotics, you name it. Guess how much I weighed when I stepped on the scale this morning? Yep. 170. But back to the point... which is that I don't own skinny jeans, but that doesn't mean I haven't dreamt of skinny jeans, which is another way of saying that I have spent my entire life unhappy with the fact that I am not some way other than the way I am right now.

Maybe it's because I thought I would grow out of this, maybe it's an upcoming wedding, but the time has come for me to face my demons and really start to look at my relationship with food and my body. I decided to do the scary. I decided to stop dieting. I have decided that I am going to listen to my body's cues for hunger and for full, and that I am going to eat what I really want to eat, trusting that my body really will crave things that will make it healthier and stronger. And in the meantime, I am going to think about what I am really hungry for on those occassions when I want to eat, but don't feel hungry.

In case anyone wanted to know, this is H...A...R...D... As in, there's a reason that a third of the US population is overweight. Today is day number one. I have spent most of the day waiting for my hunger with more anticipation that a promiscuous teen waits for her period. The funny thing is that once I am hungry, I am so excited, because I can choose to eat anything I want! It's like a mini party several times a day. Honestly, nothing I ate today was exciting, but the fact that I ate it without guilt, that I enjoyed each bite, and that I stopped half way through my lunch, put the lid on the container, placed it in the fridge, and did not reach back in to pull pieces out with my fingers is a small miracle.

The other miracle is the look I am starting to take at how I really feel. The fact is, I really do question sometimes if I am even happy, despite the details of my life being so incredibly amazing. And I am not alright continuing through life so exhausted from my constant nagging--of myself--for what I am not and what I don't need to be.

Today I am starting an undiet, which may or may not lead to weight loss, but which I hope will lead to life gain. And I'm willing to forget about skinny jeans for that.