Today is the day before the LONG awaited break for Thanksgiving. As a treat, someone brought in two kinds of coffee cake. Yup, the cheese danish that is filled with hydrogenated awesome. I have felt a whole array of feelings toward the coffee cake.
9:10--"OOOOOH! Coffeecake! Yum, I love that... but I probably shouldn't eat it. Wait, but if I want to eat it and I am hungry, which I AM, then I can eat it. Woohoo! Now which one? The one with chocolate or the one with cheese?"
9:12--"Darn, should have chosen the one with cheese... sigh... I will try again in a few hours."
11:55--"Cheese danish, here we come!"
11:57--"Weird, for some reason I remember coffee cake tasting better than this?"
12:01--"Does eating coffeecake mean I can't eat all my ramen noodles?"
And so on. I know, my brain in fascinating.
So, the point, which probably does need to be extracted from the nonsense, is that the cake disappointed me. There's probably a great spiritual truth in that... something along the lines of food not really being what I want... but I'm not there yet.
Meanwhile, when I sit down to eat, I am surprised by the emotions I feel. Even when hungry, my dominating emotion is anxiety. Like sometimes I am physically shaking. I don't generally feel busy or anxious, but when I take the time to just be still, that seems to be what my body and mind are saying. It's almost like my body is a beaten dog who is scared to actually sit down and enjoy the meal, afraid the opportunity might be stripped away before it is fully taken. It makes me actually feel bad for myself. What have I been doing to me? Seriously.
Again, I should probably make some huge decisions and changes to my life as a result of my noticings, but again, I am not there yet. Right now I'm just paying attention. And clearly I haven't been doing enough of that.
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